In the head of Camenes – Wednesday apathy

I spent most of my time in school looking out a window. I even think I spent most of my time as a kid and teenager doing the same thing.

It wasn’t the scenery outside that absorbed my attention, I probably didn’t see much of the view or the events outside, instead I fixed my eyes on sky and sunk deep into thoughts, hiding in my head. My body was still stationed to their pleasing, but in my mind I wasn’t present at all. A silent resistance. A refusal to participate in enforced activities.

I never really wanted anything but to be left alone, to my own thoughts and to make my own choices. So I spent most of my time avoiding doing what I was told, getting some agency from the act of opposition.

In my early twenties I stated to formulate a goal, something to strive towards instead of just doing the opposite of what I was told. Moving towards something instead of just running in the reverse direction out of spite. I felt free, and in at least somewhat in control over my own life.

Now for some reason I’m back in that classroom, it feels like whatever decision I make I’m somehow ending up serving an authority, like somebody is forcing my hand. And I fall back into being a stubborn child.

Today I’m lying on my sofa, once more staring through window at the grey cloudy sky. Feeling trapped again. Apathetically staring. This time I don’t even have the urge to go outside to play, getting drunk, kiss someone or to smoke a cigarette. Whatever I would do it feels like enabling them, serving the state, following the wishes of the society. So I lie still, staring with unseeing eyes. The only change in my state of being is when I see a plane go by, then I feel a sting in my heart and a longing to change places with one of those passengers. A short while I’m dreaming of a one-way ticket to new adventures. Then, back to apathy.