It’s a transitional phase right now, can you feel it? Every nerve in my body is responding to it, and I can also see it in the people around me. It’s affecting my mind, and my body, the brain is almost on overload processing things around me, things from my past, present and future. And when I'm able to shut down the brain to get some sleep, the body doesn’t wake up for at least ten hours; it’s like the body also is going through some kind of transition that requires a lot of sleep.
Even the plants in my apartment seem to respond to the change, growing new leafs, budding, bursting in to bloom.
The transition is not good, or bad, it’s a little bit of both. To be able to reach further, evolve, you are forced to leave some things behind; you can’t take them all into the future.
Some of the things that will slip into the past are bad thing, wounds that now are healed, problems solved, burdens and annoyances that will no longer trouble you. But some of the things you are leaving behind are good things, beloved friends, special relationships, security and certainty, and it hurts. It’s hard to let go. To let it happen. To accept.
Yesterday it dawned on me that one of the most precious things in my life is now nothing more than a cherished memory. She was the sun, the meaning of life, the pure essence of friendship, the embodiment of all good, my kin spirit, my guardian angel, the shoulder to cry on and the safe haven to rest in while the storm is raging.
This is not my place anymore; she is not my significant other in the same way anymore, I’ve known that for some time now. I made a choice two and a half years ago, I chose a different path, and the damage could not be undone. As I said; I’ve known this for some time now, but yesterday came the acceptance accompanied by pain.
Today I burst into tears, while reading, the text elucidates another loss to me. It was a beautiful text, about a beautiful person and a beautiful event. It made me happy, but also incredible sorrow-stricken. I recognized what the text was describing, and it took me back to those moments and feelings, concretized what I lost, what I chose to exclude. The tears weren’t just tears of sadness, they were also tears of joy, and ultimately they are the tears of my catharsis.
There’s yet another loss, but I don’t talk about it, because it doesn’t make sense to me - the unnecessary loss of a kin. It’s hard to accept or talk about something you don’t understand.
The past is unfolding behind me, claiming ownership of things dear to me but at the same time, clearing the way for my future.
It’s been a quarter of a century this year and I think the caterpillar which have been in a chrysalis stage for some time now will break out of the cocoon and finally transform in to a butterfly. But it’s painful and scary, and you don’t know what the future holds.
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